Happy College Football Season!!!

I'm all ready to go for tonight's opener against Utah. Hopefully the bar I've lined up will actually put the game on a screen for me.

Here's a quick clip from last season that brings a tear to my eye:



Go Beavers!

Why I'm digging my job these days...

I get to spend time working with cardiomycoytes, which beat, even in culture. Take a look (someone else's video footage):



Makes it a little tough when I need to count them, since they wiggle so much and all, but still very cool.

A little love for the lactose intolerant

Renew America apparently has a new contender in their ongoing (and unstated) competition for the most idiotic column ever written. Jonathan David Morris enters the fray with an stunning effort that could roll the eyes of even the most jaded junior high English teacher. Without further adieu, I present to you: Hate the cheese, love the lawsuit.

I'm no fan of most McDonald's lawsuits. I wasn't sure I would ever condone a single one of them — that is, until I learned about the latest.

He supports the lawsuit? I'm on the edge of my seat to hear what atrocity McDonald's has commited here. It must have been something incredibly heinous. Did one of their employees defile a customer's copy of The Fountainhead?

In 2005, a West Virginia man by the name of Jeromy Jackson bit into a Quarter Pounder in a dark room where he was watching a movie. He thought he had made it perfectly clear he couldn't eat cheese on his sandwich. But then, with his first bite, he suffered a violent allergic reaction — forcing his mother and friend to rush him to the hospital, where he reportedly darn near died.

While I'm never happy when someone darn near dies, I'd think if you had a life-threatening allergy to cheese, you'd, I dunno, take a quick peek at your food before you bit into it? But maybe I'm missing the point. Let's see why Mr. Morris suggests the lawsuit is legitimate:

I am not lactose intolerant, but I sympathize with Jackson. Moreover, I have no sympathy whatsoever for McDonald's here. True, had he lifted his bun and checked before biting, Jackson could have saved himself from harm.

Well, at least he's aware of that minor "personal responsibility" point, but let's start with a clarification: Mr. Jackson's problem was not lactose intolerance. Lactose intolerance is the inability to digest lactose due to a deficiency in the enzyme lactase. It isn't pleasant, but it's more in the realm of a bad tummyache than a life-threatening emergency. What's being described by the lawsuit is a food allergy, which can have much more serious consequences. I would think this is the kind of thing you'd fact check before publishing on a major website, but then I don't write for Renew America.

In any case, if Mr. Morris is willing to discount personal responsibility, he must have a very good reason for doing so.

But at what point do we say enough is enough already? McDonald's "mistake" was no honest error. These fast food chains have been pushing cheese on us for years.

This is an outrage!!! I call for an international boycott of...

Wait a minute...

What?

They're pushing cheese on us? This is somehow justification for a frivolous lawsuit? Come on. It's not like they're trying to fluoridate our water or anything.

Walk into any one of these places and you'll see for yourself firsthand. I can't tell you how many times I've gone into Wendy's and ordered a hamburger, only to hear the first words from their mouth: "You want that with cheese?"

The nerve of those minimum wage employees! Asking the customer how they want their food served! I'm writing a letter to my congressperson as we speak!

Of course I don't want that with cheese. If I wanted it with cheese, I would've ordered a cheeseburger — not a hamburger. Why not ask if I want it with a colonoscopy at that point?

I almost hesitate to point out that your average customer, perhaps even a vast majority of customers, would strongly prefer a slice of cheese to a colonoscopy. Obviously, Jonathan David Morris is not your average customer.

This — and not something crazy, like my health — is the reason I've virtually cut fast food from my regular diet. I just can't take the blatant slaps in my face anymore.

It's brilliant that he's offended by them offering him cheese, but not by the constant snickering from the counter staff when they get a look at his ill-advised attempt at facial hair.

For $10 million, there's no doubt in my mind Jackson's lawsuit has a certain get-rich-quick quality to it. But if it puts these evil cheese peddlers at McDonald's in their place, then I say do it. Sue the cheese out of them.

Yes, $10 million seems like a perfectly reasonable sum to pay for your irrational hatred of fast food cheese.

Maybe next time you'll serve me what I actually ordered — instead of sandwiching your hate-filled, cheese-pushing agenda between two soggy buns.

We'll now pause briefly to giggle at his use of "hate-filled", "cheese-pushing", and "soggy buns" in the same sentence.

All right. I'm glad we got that out. Now... Having read the article, does anyone else get the distinct impression that Jonathan David Morris just got rejected by the counter girl at the local Burger King?

With any luck he'll soon be rejected by a woman from his local Objectivist discussion group. It would make the world a much better place.

Shorter Rudy Takala

Bridges of Socialism:

As a Muslim and a socialist, US Rep. Keith Ellison was clearly responsible for the Minneapolis bridge collapse, although the only example I can come up with would appear to indicate otherwise.

Also, Ayn Rand totally knew this was going to happen!

---

For more insight into Rudy's unique writing style, let's take a look at his bio at the bottom of the article:

Rudy Takala is 18 years old and is the chairman of Minnesota's Pine County Republicans. He was homeschooled for nine years, and is currently a junior at Hamline University.

[...]

Rudy hopes for a career in which he is able to continue antagonizing proponents of the State. Currently, he spends his free time laboring over a book concerning the American government's school system.

Geez. I wouldn't have thought someone so incapable of making a logical point would have been homeschooled would you?

Although I love that he's writing a book about the "American government's school system". Hmmm... Writing a book about something he has no experience with... it's so cute that he's barely of age and he's already figured out how to work the Wingnut Welfare system.

Shorter J. Matt Barber

"Gay Marriage" -- it's alive!:

Hey, this slope is really slipp... AAAAGH! Scary gay couples! Quick -- grab the torches and pitchforks!

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Above: Following graduation, Flounder became
a Concerned Woman for America.

Renew America's Logic Gymnastics, Part I

Everyone's favorite curmudgeon, Grandpa Simpson Carey Roberts, takes a break from screaming at the neighbor kids to demonstrate some truly breathtaking leaps in logic. Let's have a look, shall we?

Says Roberts:

Keep looking, and you'll see the platform of US Communist Party proclaims, "Among the forms of oppression women experience are attacks on their reproductive rights; lack of quality, affordable day care; inequality in child rearing and household work; sexual harassment on the job; and domestic and sexual violence."

Now let's pay a visit to the website of the National Organization for Women at www.now.org and compare agendas:

Reproductive rights? Yep.

Day care and child-rearing? Check.

Sexual harassment? Yes, of course.

Domestic violence? You bet!

Do you detect a scintilla of difference between the positions advocated by the US Communist Party and the NOW? Neither do I.

Brilliant! Because the NOW holds a few (not particularly revolutionary) ideas in common with the Communist Party, they're clearly a bunch of commies! After all, if you agree with someone on something, it isn't possible to disagree on anything else.

Roberts' body may be withered and frail, but his mind is limber, and he's not content to stop his mental cartwheels there. He won't stop until he's stretched this association out to include the anti-Christ herself, Hillary Clinton. Can he do it?

Then do a Google search that matches "Hillary Clinton" to each of the CPUSA demands. Is it a mere coincidence that the Communist Party, the National Organization for Women, and Hillary Clinton are marching in lockstep with each other?

Breathtaking! I love this use of logic! A person can ominously link anyone to any unpopular cause using only a few common factors. Hmmm... I wonder if I can do it too. I'll give it a shot:

Much like Adolf Hitler, Carey Roberts served in the army, is hostile toward Marxism, believes a woman's place is in the home, and was born in the late 1880s. Therefore, Carey Roberts is a dangerous individual and should be pre-emptively detained for the benefit of society.

Whee! This is fun!

But I digress. Let's return to Mr. Roberts' routine, to marvel at his awe-inspiring dismount:

So how did communism lead to the deaths of over 100 million persons around the globe? Simple — in its fanatical quest to achieve a classless and genderless society, it tramples on individual rights, resorting to intrusive and eventually repressive state power.

That's why we should fear Hillary Clinton.

Bravo! Because Hillary believes in the rights of women to pursue careers, her election will clearly result in the deaths of countless American citizens!

It takes a special talent to twist logic into knots like that. Mr. Roberts, we salute you!

Of onions and vortexes

Rather than take the issue on myself, I'd like to point you to Jon Swift's coverage of the latest meltdown by the internet's best known self-centrist blogger. Here's a sample:

So she doesn't care whose links enter her vortex?
You might think that before inviting someone into her vortex she might like to get to know them a little better, perhaps go out on a few dates first. But Althouse is on a never-ending search for a link that fulfills her and so far the only link that truly satisfies her is a link from Instapundit--or his wife.

Oh, I see. So what happens to the other links?
They suffer a terrible fate. You see her vortex is not as inviting as she claims. In fact, it is a vortex dentata. Any blogger who strays too far into this vortex ends up emasculated by one of Althouse's withering put-downs. They either get accused of being too stupid to realize she was just joking or she mocks the size of the blogger's link, for example, by calling one blogger a "grouchy little prick" or saying of another that his name means "little penis."

It's well worth reading the whole thing, as he more or less hands her her onion rings.

Carrot sticks, anyone?